I don`t want to.

It`s hard to insist yourself to someone who doesn`t want you on his/her life anymore. The love that you once shared with each other may have been extreme and unbelievable. But analogous to any other love, it fades. And when that happens, it sucks, really. Especially when you`re not yet ready to move on and you know that what you feel isn`t over yet. But like I said, pushing yourself to someone is like searching for a rose in the winter - hopeless and very much wishful.

Delusional no more. Goodbye.

Pagsubok. Pagsuko.

Ang isang bagay daw na mabigat, gagaan lamang kung bibitawan. Sabi nila, if you`re hurting too much, then let go. Ang dali nga namang sabihin `no? Lalo na kung hindi kaw `yung nasa sitwasyon. Kung hihingi sa`yo ang kaibigan mo ng advice, walang hesitation mo pang sasabihin na, "Hayaan mo na`yun." Pero kung ikaw na `yung nakakaranas, ang hirap sabihing, "Hahayaan ko na lang `yun."

It`s really hard to let go of the things which you like, much more of the persons which you love; those a few who`ve touched your life and may have changed its direction from time to time. Sadly, minsan, kailangan lang talagang pakawalan ang mga ito, kailangan silang pakawalan. Umasa naman ako, tulad ng sabi nila, `wag mawawalan ng pag-asa. Pero `till when? Until there`s nothing left ba? To think of it, it`s unfair. And I am no longer surprised. 15 years of sudden changes, abrupt tailspins, unpleasant surprises and what do you expect? Gabi-gabi, I pray to God not only to thank Him for everything, say sorry for everything and ask for protection for myself and my loved ones; but to have that final moment when all I`ve been asking for would come true. Siguro talagang ganun, `di laging napagbibigyan, `di lahat magiging masaya. Unfortunately, wala talaga eh. Hinintay ko naman. Ang tagal ko ring naging sarado sa mga posibilidad dahil nakatali ako sa gusto kong mangyari. Pero after everything having said and done, it`s time to let go. Pagsuko para sa iba, pero para sa `kin, hindi. Pagtanggap lang sa katotohanang `di lahat ng bagay ay napagbibigyan.

Pinilit kong kumapit pero masyado ng mabigat. Kung `di pa ako bibitaw ngayon, tuluyan na `kong babagsak. At baka wala ng sumalo...

The Right One

Adults, most of the time, advise us to take things easy and to not take love that seriously. They always tell us that things like those can wait and it isn`t the right time yet to indulge in to relationships cos there`s much in store in the future and what we`re feeling at the moment might just be temporary. Well, we became teenagers when we`re 13, we can get our license as soon as we turn 16, we could vote when we`re already 18 and we will soon retire at 65. So, when`s the right time to recognize a love that is real?

I say don`t let the moment slip and pass by without you savoring it or just even notice it for quite some time. Everyday of new life is a gift we need to accept from God. And how do we make Him happy? Let`s live it to the fullest; just love if you feel like loving. Falling in love is one of the most inspiring and worthwhile experiences we could ever have. And there`s no such thing as rules nor precautionary measures, and hell yea, it doesn`t require an age to know if it`s for real; you just feel it with your heart.

"First cut is the deepest."

I picked up a line from one of Sheryl Crow`s songs and indeed, first cut is the deepest. Oftentimes, we make decisions that sooner or later we`ll regret. And we cannot do anything but accept the fact that we did make a mistake; huge or small, for better or for worse, it affected our lives in one way or so. And the pain? It doesn`t really go away, we just sleep every night and pray that the next day, we`ll get used to it.

Of Stoplights and Us

I remember back then when stoplights fascinate me whenever I get to see them. The constant rotation of colors from red to yellow to green seemed magic. But that was before when I was an innocent, stout and playful kid. Things changed now for I`m already aware, slim but still playful.

Before, I thought that the exchange of colors was a mere attraction for little ones. But I came to know that every color has its essence and if by mistake you run your car with red light on, you may suffer from broken bones and bruised face before you die. I came to realize that life, too, is like a stoplight. And sometimes, us, too, are like a stoplight.

The three colored lights are like stages in our lives which we don`t notice happening over and over again. We continue to meet people and we go on with our lives. That`s how the green one works to all of us. Just as how we run our cars so fast, we live each day as if it were the last. We cross the boundaries and we break rules up to the limit. We welcome new people in our lives; some of them significant for a while and some may have changed our lives entirely, we don`t know but we take risks. Like how we recklessly drive the car for we`re so agitated to continue the journey. While some end up successful in getting to there destination once the green light turns on, some don`t. Some cross another stoplight with the red one lit.

Just like some of us, some get triumphant and win things easily in a one-shot deal while others just have to try over and over again and wait for another go signal.

But you see, no matter how beautiful things run for a moment, it will eventually come to an end. And that is how the red one does, it makes drivers stop the engine or else, irresponsible car death derby shall occur. To people like us, when we experience some sort of joy or happiness, we wish it`ll never stop. We know for ourselves that it will but we continue believing and hoping that it won`t. And when that moment comes that joy becomes sadness, we cannot help but reminisce and regret. We keep on saying what we should`ve done and what could`ve prevented the unexpected tailspin. Like when we`re in a rush for something and we see the stoplight with the red one on, we`re so pissed and sometimes, we even think of just continue driving even if we know it`s unlawful. Analogous with life, certain things push us to the limit, which we will surely regret once we taste the setbacks. Those road rush hours are like temptations; when the rush urges us to just drive though it`s not yet time, it`s like how problems tempt us to just give in though the truth is we can still do something.

And just as how we think that we already found the right person for us during the journey, we`re just blinded by temporary happiness.

Once we get ourselves into a relationship, we feel this urge to go against all odds because we think we`re madly in love, just like what we feel when finally the green light turns on. But you see, even the most heavenly relationship comes to an end. And no matter how happy we are during the process, we will eventually meet the red light.

However, it doesn`t follow that it`s all over. That`s why we have the yellow one, for us to wait and prepare for the right time. You notice that when the yellow light turns on, drivers set the car for acceleration. But, notice it, too, that the time for the yellow one to light is very abrupt. Like in life, we always complain about how deceitful time is as it prolongs the hours when we wait and shortens it when we enjoy. Nevertheless, we have to be thankful that there`s still time for us to prepare.

We should be grateful that life isn`t just about stop-and-go, there is time for waiting, for preparing, for healing.

That no matter how crushed we feel when the sudden stop ruins our happiness, there is still time for us to rebuild and repair whatever it is in us that were broken. And finally, we would be able to feel the excitement that the green light once again turns on and it`s time for us to finally go and resume with the journey.

See? The stoplights we encounter aren`t just road signals, they`re reflections of life, too. That it stops for a moment, gives us time to think and sets us free to take on the long and winding road that is full of both sweet and crestfalling twists and turns.

The Thing About Frowning

They say you either nurse the pain inside or spill it out. More often than not, we just smile though inside we bleed. And what`s pushing it more is we cannot just let everybody know what we feel because freedom comes with responsibility. So when we`re stuck with a choice between expressing yourself that could hurt others and just keeping it inside then no one gets affected but you, we tend to pick the second option. It may sound very sainty and holy but most of the time, this is what we do.

This is a case in life where the victim and the criminal are you, yourself. No one`s held responsible for you getting hurt because it is you who made the choice of nursing the anguish inside and not letting it out. While it may sound absurd, it is of noble act, too, to just feel the pain yourself and not let others get affected of it. On the other hand, I think there is nothing wrong if we spill all the negative energy out, especially to our friends and family, because they`ll surely understand the situation.

It is okay to look sad and not happy all the time. All of us did, do and surely will.

And that is what I think about frowning, not all the time shall we fly solo. Especially when we`re hurt, we need not solve our problems on our own. That is why we have our family and friends to let us remember that we are not alone in this world. Sometimes, frowning is a bit good so others would know that you`re having a hard and bad time. Smiling all the time brings a person near to abusive acts. Thus, from a personal perspective, I say yes to sometimes-frowning to let those insensitive people know and feel that it is no longer okay, so not at all.

Three Days to See

Three days won’t be enough to realize the genius of God’s creation. But, as I picture myself stricken blind, three days would be so much to witness the beauty of the sky painted with clouds and the blaring light of the sun in the morning and the moon with the stars at night. I could imagine myself being caged in darkness for several years; not seeing the slightest ray of light and not tasting the tiniest bit of happiness. And I just figured that maybe, it’d be a blessing if everyone would lose their sight even just for one day. It is so that we would appreciate our God-given faculties and not take things, even the smallest ones, for granted.

Three days to see, three days to reflect and three days to discover… three days of wonder, three days of admiration and three days of happiness. How can I make these three days the best three days of my finite existence? I am not so much of a planner. But this time, I will make sure that everything’s set for me to savor to the fullest these momentous three days. For a long time, I have been dreaming big dreams such as to see how people look like or how beautiful flowers are.

To you who have been blessed with the gift of sight, it’s no big deal to see mountains and bridges and birds and fishes. But to me who has been living in obscurity, it meant a lot.

I would like to spend the first day traveling. I want to taste a glimpse of Europe; visit Paris and the Eiffel Tower so I could feel the love and romance that people do when they get there. I want a tang of England and kiss the precious hands of their kings and queens and princes and princesses so I could feel like it’s royal blood that runs through my veins, that just visiting their palace and touring their kingdom would mean the universe for me. Then, I ‘d like to trek across the beaches of Los Angeles and see and feel the heat of the sun, to finally lay my eyes to that spherical ball of fire that lights the whole world at daytime. I want to walk through the streets of Manhattan and see how elite people live their lives. I’ll go straight to New York and paint the picture of the Statue of Liberty in my memory. I’ll fly to Africa and shake hands with the black people. Finally, I’ll go back to Asia where I truly belong. Then, I’ll finish the day visiting churches and my last stop would be in Rome. I’ll meet the Pope and kiss his forehead and let his hands slide through my skin. I will pray and I will thank God for all the things He has given me. I know that thank you’s and kind words cannot equalize the greatness of our Father but in my own little way, I will praise Him with all of my being.

I won’t sleep; I will consume the whole of 24 hours of those three days.

Subsequently, I want to take a cruise along the oceans and see dolphins play with each other. I want to witness how sea creatures thrive along the trenches underneath. I want to dive down under and see colorful coral reefs and billions of species that look like a vibrant ball when grouped and seem like a broken glass shattered into lively and multihued pieces when dispersed. I long to escape from the labyrinths of underwater world and perceive the view of pearls, sea urchins or even touch a mermaid if possible. Then I’ll rise and ride an airplane and when I finally reach the highest altitude it could get, I’ll let myself fall through a parachute. I would love to see birds fly and fly and I imagine myself being one with them. And as I land onto the ground, I will take a stroll to the world’s most wonderful gardens and see different flowers of various shapes and sizes and smell their sweet fragrances with all those vivid butterflies flying around them. I want to catch one and place it on my finger, stare at it and realize how great and genius God is to think of all these creatures.

I will walk through mountains and touch the clouds and see the rest of the world. I’ll cry and shout until my vocal chords will break, “I’m in love with the world!”

It’s my last night of sight and just the same, I won’t go to bed. I will stare at the moon and memorize how it looks like so when the day that all of my days would be dark again, at least, I know that everyday holds a potential for beauty. I will exert effort to put into the right side of my hypothalamus the view of the constellations and the picture of those billions of stars so that when I’d be stricken blind again, I’ll be reminded that it is in the darkest hours where stars shine the brightest, so that even in the most pressing moments in my earthly sojourn, I will never lose hope but continue living and loving life more and more each day. When dawn strikes and it’s the last day for me to see, I want to look at the faces of my family and friends; those who made my obscure life bright every morning and gleeful at night. I want to thank them for not abandoning me despite the fact that I am physically handicapped. I will express and tell them that I am so lucky to become part of their lives; that unlike others who were left out and left behind by their families, they never were to me. They were beside me through thick and thin and they never got tired of offering sacrifices for my sake. Thanks to my friends, for the love and the undying friendship. They say love is friendship set on fire and I say now that I’ve seen them face to face how much I value them and that I will never take anything in exchange of our relationship. I will give them the tightest hug and the sweetest words my lips could utter. On my last day of seeing, I would like to learn how to draw so I could sketch their faces and put them all in a memory box so that it will never spoil and it is protected from the raging heat and unwavering storms. I would like to learn how to draw so I could put all their faces in my mind and all their smiles in my heart.

Then at night, I will lie down to my bed and squeeze my pillow tight; not because I’m not contented but because I was so overwhelmed. I’ll reminisce the last three days I was able to see the splendor and loveliness of everything.

Then, I’ll gently close my eyes and get myself used to darkness once again for tomorrow, these lovely eyes of mine will remain body parts alone and I will never be able to see once more. But this time, with happiness and contentment within my heart.

My three days are over but my life goes on and on…

Incomplete

I was about to believe that there is a thing like 100%; a hundred percent happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction. I was about to correct the world from believing that there is no thing as such until I felt incomplete. A moment ago, I had nothing to wish and ask for; I was the most content human being ever. You graduate with the highest honor given by your school, you retire as student body Chairman with flawless performance, you receive scholarship grants from here and there, you get grades no lower than 92 and you have everybody admired and astonished with what you have reached. Sounds great, huh? It seems that there`s no reason for discontentment. But, there is. Believe me, there`s still a missing part. Now you think I`m selfish and greedy to be wanting more in spite all of those. But, I know deep down, I am incomplete.

I long for someone to greet me good morning even before I go up from bed and for someone to kiss me good night as the moon shines with full beam. I crave for someone who`d convince me to stay up late and lie down along the fields and grass of green to watch the stars outshine each other. I want someone to let me view the telescope and see how heavenly bodies define God`s greatness. I desire to have that someone who will have enough patience to go with me to the mountaintop and feel the cool gust of wind and view the perspective from the other side. I imagine being with someone making our dreams together of a perfect home and of an ideal life. I am hungry for love and affinity.

It`s just that I cannot really think that a day spent with so much fun isn`t really enough at all. It just is not. And for some reason, which I don`t know at the moment, it is for the betterment of everything and everybody.

I always pray before I sleep with the request to the Father Almighty that I may wake up the next day meeting the right person for me. But, I always end up frustrated and disappointed. I don`t blame Him, though. I know there`s much in store for me and I just can`t wait to have them. And it kind of hurts when I thought I was having the best day of my life but what I was having was actually just second best, or third, or maybe just good enough.

I kept on proclaiming and convincing, or maybe fooling myself that I couldn`t ask for more. But if you could just take a tour to what`s inmost of me, you`d see a soul missing the feeling of being cared for, a heart that finds for its other half and a being that longs for nothing but love. It may be unfair, well it really is to speak like this, knowing that I`ve got friends behind me and a family that`s always there to catch every downfall. But you see, I speak for a million others who still don`t have the courage to admit that they need someone to let them know they`re special. I speak for a million others who had the chance of getting what they`ve wanted but had blown it away. I speak for myself because I want to and that is all what I have and what I can do, at the very least. I speak for myself and yes, just becasue I was a topnotch student doesn`t mean I know everything; I need to learn about life, I need to learn more about love. And this is how life gets in to me personally, it never really gave me 24 hours of 100% joy and delight. Maybe that is also why I continue to sleep at night and wake up in the morning... to go and look for that missing part.

So, being incomplete doesn`t really mean we`re losing some pieces. We just need time, enough time, to gather them all.